Because let's face it, he was bound to lose his patience at some point.
"You can't be serious about this?" Carter said. "This has to be the dumbest decision you've ever made."
No, the dumbest decision Donovan had ever made was deciding to come to Whole Foods with Carter while it was her time of the month. He wasn't allowed to kill his wife in the middle of the produce section of Whole Foods.
"Carter, you like honey crisp apples and I like red delicious. We'll get both," Donovan said.
He reached for the apple Carter had torn from his grip and she jerked it out of his reach.
"No. Because you say that but later on when your apples go bad, in a day, you'll steal some of my apples."
"They won't go bad that fast."
Donovan knew their continued argument at the apple section drew attention but he knew mentioning that to Carter would mean everyone received a stare intense enough to make the onlookers scatter.
"Donovan, they bruise just looking at them. Honey crisp always tastes good. We're not getting your disgusting apples. You'll thank me later."
Donovan leaned his head back. I love my wife, I love my wife, I love my wife. I can't kill my wife. I love my wife.
"Okay. Let's move on," Carter said.
Carter bagged up the apples and set them in the cart. Donovan turned to another section but talked to Carter over his shoulder.
"Green or purple grapes?" he asked.
Why did he ask? He shouldn't have asked and he knew it the second the question had left his mouth.
"I don't like grapes," Carter said.
"Yes, that's why you ate an entire bag of them by yourself two weeks ago," Donovan said under his breath.
He grabbed a bag of purple grapes, adding them to the cart.
"I like grapes," Donovan said. "You don't have to eat them."
He didn't look at her as he kept moving. He figured the less eye contact might bring down his level of irritation. In another section, he picked up a peach and sniffed it.
"Peaches are weak," Carter said.
"Then I'll eat it to put it out of its misery," Donovan said. "A merciful murder."
He glanced at her but her flat look told him his humor wasn't going to work on her today. He wasn't sure if anything would. Maybe a baseball bat to the head, ride out the few days with her unconscious. I love my wife, I love my wife, I love my wife.
Donovan set down the peach and bagged nectarines instead without making a comment. Carter sighed, which Donovan took as a blessing. At least she hadn't said anything.
"Carter if you want, you can get another cart and go get that last few items on the list and we meet up after," Donovan said.
In other words, Carter if we don't split ways this might be the end.
"I'm good with you."
Without a word, Donovan moved to the greens section. He grabbed two boxes of spinach but when he returned, Carter stared at the containers. Don't say it, Carter, don't say it.
"No," she said, crossing her arms.
I can't kill my wife in Whole Foods, I can't kill my wife in Whole Foods.
Donovan tossed the containers into the cart. "I get this every week, Carter. Why would it change today?"
Scowling, she waved her hand to them. "Because it goes bad fast and smells."
"I'll eat it before it goes bad."
"But what if you don't."
Donovan didn't understand what happened to Carter, but occasionally during her period, it was like she lost all rational and logical thought. Her emotions took over and she wanted to argue with everything he said or did. The instances were few but when they came Donovan felt like he should find a bunker to hide in.
"Then I will throw it away," Donovan said, pushing the cart away.
Distance. He needed distance.
"Why don't you go get the veggies and I'll get the meat," he suggested.
"Fine, but I'm not getting squash."
Before Carter walked away, Donovan snagged her arm and spun her towards him. He kissed her, a demanding kiss. Demanding her to return to the mostly level-headed person she usually was. For a second he thought it would work, but she shoved him away.
"Stop," she said. "That doesn't work every time."
"No, but it works 40% of the time and so I will keep trying."
Carter rolled her eyes and walked away. With a shake of his head, Donovan went to the deli section of the store.
"What can I get you?" the worker behind the counter asked.
"Half a pound of bacon, half a pound of turkey cut on the thick side, and a cleaver."
The man started to move but paused at the last request.
"What was that last part?" he asked, hesitantly.
I can't kill my wife in Whole Foods.
"Nothing. Just the turkey and bacon."
The man nodded and hurried off. I would run from me too, I'm almost as bad as Carter right now. I would pity the idiot who crossed her today. I only have the misfortunate of deciding to shop today. Donovan dragged a hand through his hair. That had been his bad decision, not the apples.
The man returned with Donovan's ordered and handed it over.
"Thanks," he said, accepting it.
As he swung the cart around, Carter approached with bagged vegetables.
"Did you get sliced ham?" she asked.
"No, we never eat ham."
"I want some."
"Okay." Donovan turned around. "Maybe this time I'll get that cleaver as well."
"Nothing. How much ham do you want?"
Carter wanted a quarter pound of sliced ham and Donovan had the strongest suspicion that the ham would stay in their fridge until they eventually threw it out. Done with the produce section, they headed into the aisle. Donovan curt down one that they didn't need anything from. Well, didn't have anything on their list but had something on Donovan's.
"Why did you come here?" Carter said.
Donovan didn't answer, only stopped at the chocolate. He took a bag of chocolate pieces and opened it. He handed it to Carter.
"Eat this," he said.
"Yes, because chocolate is the answer to everything."
Donovan said nothing and held it out. Rolling her eyes at what she clearly thought was his dramatic gesture, took the bag and ate some of the chocolate. When she swallowed, she held out her arms as if to say: see it didn't do anything.
No, but it did mean she would have something to do with her mouth that wasn't talking. And maybe that fact would mean they would both survive the day.
Carter had finished off the entire bag of chocolate by the time they checked out. It didn't improve her mood but it did make her argue a tiny bit less. When Carter motioned to the food court, Donovan found he didn't have a voice to argue and led them there.
As Carter sat, Donovan went to buy her mac and cheese. He stopped when the doors to the store parted and Mason strolled in. Donovan forgot the mac and cheese and hurried to intercept Mason.
Mason nodded to Donovan as he approached and opened his mouth to speak but Donovan held up his hand.
"Leave," Donovan said. "If you value your life today then leave."
Mason eyed Donovan skeptically then found where Carter sat.
"Carter is not in the mood to deal with being prodded and that seems to be all you do when with her."
At this, Mason cocked his head in thought and surveyed Carter. "Her time of the month?"
"Yes, and you need to leave."
Mason grinned wickedly. "But prodding the angry bear is what I do best."
Biggest idiot in the world right here.
When Mason took a step forward, Donovan put a hand on his chest to stop him.
"I'm not joking, Mason."
Shaking his head, Mason shrugged. "Let me know when the storm passes over and I can leave my house again."
With that, Mason left and Donovan let out a sigh of relief. Carter and Mason might have made their peace with each other but their peace looked like street fighting from the outside. Donovan bought Carter her mac and cheese and set it on the table, taking the seat across from her.
"Why did Mason leave?" Carter asked.
"Because he values his life," Donovan said.
Carter narrowed her eyes at Donovan. Clearly, I'm not as smart as him.
"I'm not that bad," Carter said.
Donovan said nothing which was actually saying a lot. Maybe he did value his life after all. He kept quiet as Carter ate, mentally planning out what he could do for the rest of the day so that they both made it through. Take on a gang? Getting into a barroom fight? Gun range? There was no way he was putting a gun in Carter's hand today. Maybe if she hit something she'd feel better. He'd prefer it if it was a punching bag but at this point, he'd take a few bruises if it meant she stopped wanting to bite his head off.
"Let's go," Carter said, standing and collecting her trash.
Donovan quickly picked up the grocery bags as Carter threw her stuff away. Together they left Whole Foods. Survived that ordeal, Donovan thought. On the sidewalk, Carter turned left while Donovan turned right.
"I have to deposit a check and get cash at the bank," Donovan said. "You can head home if you want."
Instead of doing what Donovan hoped she would, Carter joined him. It was a short stop. If they made it through shopping, they could make it through this. He hoped.
They got in line and neither of them talked as they inched closer to the counter. Which Donovan took as the miracle it felt like. Carter gazed around the interior of the bank then to the wall of glass windows looking out onto the street and froze.
"Donovan," she said, in a voice that told him a million things.
Instantly, he glanced back and spotted the van stopping at the curb, the door opening, and four masked gunmen jumping out.
"Left," Donovan said.
"Right," Carter confirmed.
Donovan dropped the grocery bags and Carter pulled out two apples, pushing one into Donovan's hand as the men charged towards the door. As they barraged in, Carter started yelling at Donovan.
"You see!" she said. "This is a good apple, I don't know why you have to be so stupid as to think your choice would have been better."
The robbers fired their machine guns into the air, eliciting screams from the customers and bank tellers.
"Everyone get down on the ground!" one of the men yelled.
Everyone whimpered and sank to the ground, shaking. All except Donovan and Carter, who continued to stand, ignoring the gunmen and arguing as if they weren't aware of the danger.
"Seriously!" Carter shouted. "Your apples bruise just looking at them!"
Two of the gunmen approached them as the other two hovered behind, guns trained on the cowering people on the floor.
"Didn't you hear me!" the leader yelled.
They ignored him yet again. Waiting.
The two robbers drew close enough to poke both Donovan and Carter with the barrels of their guns. That's when the pair acted in unison. Donovan grabbed the base of the robber's gun, pointing it away from him, and threw his apple at the second man. The apple crashed into the man's head and he crumpled.
Still clutching the gun, Donovan head-butted the leader. When he stumbled, Donovan yanked the machine gun from his grasp and slammed the butt of it into the leader's face. The man folded like a stack of cards. Donovan swung the gun around, aiming it at the dazed man on the floor.
"Stay down," he shouted. "Carter?"
"All clear?" Carter said behind him.
Donovan let out a breath and felt a sense of release come over him. All his irritation with Carter had been dispelled with the quick action.
"We're FBI agents, Keller and Owens," Donovan said, to the trembling assembly of people without taking his eyes off the conscious robber. "Someone call 911." He glanced to where the bank guards were crouching. "Do you have zip ties?"
The terrified men nodded.
"Okay, secure these men," Donovan instructed.
The two guards scrambled to help and Donovan breathed out slowly again. He felt relaxed and figured Carter felt the same way.
"You have got to be kidding me!" Carter shouted.
Donovan spun around, worry that she'd been hurt sparking in him. But instead, he found her glaring at one of the robbers. She kicked him in the side, not hard but with annoyance.
"What's wrong?" Donovan asked.
She held up the apple she'd thrown.
"His head bruised my apple!" Carter said.
Donovan couldn't help it, he burst out laughing.
Hi my crumbling cookie!
(Crumbling in the sense that you are wonderful and perfect as a cookie should be, not in the sense that you're broken and falling apart. Well, I hope not. If you are, eat a cookie)
Okay! I wrote this chapter to make you smile. Let me know if it did and if you have thoughts beyond that! 💬🗯💭🍪
Honestly, the first chapter we get with Carter on her period (Find Solutions) Donovan is so patient and understanding but let's face it, they're married now. He's had years of dealing with her, he's not going to be patient all the time. I wanted to show that.
I wanted to show it in a way that was hilarious. Also I have to say, those robbers have the worst luck in the world! I mean seriously, that was not a day to take on Carter and Donovan. I'm surprised Carter didn't shoot the guy for bruising her apple. Maybe she kicked him again.
I was inspired to write the bank robbery from watching something or reading something but the idea was in my head for a month that I've completely forgotten what inspired it. Whatever.
Vote, comment, follow or Donovan and Carter will throw an apple at your head.
😂 If Carter was an angry kitten.